


World Series Kind of Love

by haileyupton147 (Kennnnnnna)



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 02:14:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29992338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kennnnnnna/pseuds/haileyupton147
Summary: Hailey tells Jay something about herself that she's kept hidden for far too long
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	World Series Kind of Love

**Author's Note:**

> I have literally never written anything besides poorly written lab reports in the last 5+ years so please be nice and forgiving. I've been known to put in rogue commas everywhere so please don't judge my punctuation too harshly. I proofread this a bunch of times, so I hope I caught everything. Also, I've never posted on here so if formatting/tagging is off please let me know nicely if you're so inclined. Finally, some of how I depicted Hailey is very similar to myself and my own experiences and not necessarily cannon/may not 100% fit her character, but this was more for me than anything so try not to judge the plot too hard.

She was looking anywhere, but his eyes. Her hands were behind her back, fiddling with the ends of her hair. She always did that when she was nervous. Trying to hold onto something real, trying to ground herself when everything else was overwhelming. But he couldn't figure out why she could possibly be nervous. They were sitting on her couch after work as they always did. Her with her stupid "comfort water bottle" that he always made fun of her for, and him with a beer. 

She'd said she wanted to talk about something tonight, but she knows she can tell him anything, right? She'd never held anything back before, whether it was chewing him out for going off the rails or sharing her complicated family history. Even if it took some coaxing, she always told him everything. Maybe that's just what she needed now, a little push.

"Hey, no matter what it is, you know I'll always be here for you, right? Nothing you could say to me would make me think different of you."

He tried to reach for one of her hands to play with her fingers, it had always calmed her down before. But she wouldn't reciprocate his offer. It wasn't that she outright refused to grab his hand, it was as if she barely even realized he was trying. She was just so lost in her head. She was staring at one of the rocks she had painted in college that was sitting on the bookshelf across the room. She'd told him about them before. How spring break her sophomore year she'd painted a ton of them just trying to keep her hands busy. Suddenly, she got up and headed to her bedroom, mumbling that she'd, "be right back". 

As promised, she was back in less than a minute, but this time there was something in her hand. When she came back she was no longer sitting down and instead began to slowly move her feet in front of him. Another nervous tic. She would shift her weight back and forth on her feet and tap the heel of one foot to the toe of the other, and switch, back and forth, barely even processing what she was doing.

The object in her hand was round and colorful, but it was small enough that he couldn't make out exactly what it was as she played with it in her hand. 

"Hailey, what is it? You're starting to scare me a little." 

He'd never seen her this visibly upset. He could tell something had been bothering her since this morning when he picked her up. But as the day of paperwork dragged on, he began to notice her getting tenser until it was time for him to take her home. The second she walked through the door to her apartment she went and put on pajamas, just like she always did after work ever since they crossed the line between coworkers and friends. She once told him that she basically lived in pajamas and now that they were officially friends, she wasn't about to wear jeans around him in her own home. 

Now she was wearing her favorite pair of loose shorts and a big tie-dye sweatshirt that she loved. She was still shuffling back and forth with her feet and the hand not holding the unknown object was back to tugging at the ends of her hair.

"Hailey", he said softly, trying not to spook her, "just talk to me."

She looked at him for the first time since she left the room momentarily. Still not in his eyes, but towards the top of his forehead. He was glad they were making progress, but still concerned why she couldn't make eye contact with him.

"I haven't told you everything about me."

She was breathing somewhat heavily now and had brought part of her hair in front of her to play with it still. She seemed like she was trying to control her breathing and there was a small crack in her voice as if she was trying not to lose control of her emotions. 

"Ok, then what is it that you want me to know that I don't already?"

He was trying to let her lead the conversation, and keep her calm enough to not lose the progress they had made since she looked at him.

"I didn't really have a crush on anybody until I was in 7th grade and it was this boy in my gym class that I just chose one day because I thought that's how it worked. You just picked a guy you thought was ok and decided that this is the guy I have a crush on. I didn't quite understand that my friends who had crushes actually thought that the boy in question was cute or nice or funny."

Jay just nodded along, not exactly following, but willing to let her get through this, as it obviously seemed tough for her.

"And then once I got to high school, I kept telling my family that I was ‘focusing on school’ and that's why I never had a boyfriend."

Her feet shuffling had slowed down now and she kept taking big deep breaths every few minutes as if she needed to recollect herself in order to continue. 

"And then in college, I was in a very difficult program, so it got even easier to pretend that was why I never dated anyone."

This time, instead of taking a small pause before continuing like before, she turned her gaze towards the wall behind him and didn't talk again for a few minutes. Jay decided then that another little push wouldn't hurt.

"That's perfectly ok, everyone has their own relationship timeline. There's nothing wrong with that. But why are you telling me this now?"

She quickly glances at his eyes, the first time the whole night, before glancing away again. He saw something in her eyes that he hadn't seen in a very long time. It was a combination of fear and sadness that he hadn't seen since the night he got shot. 

"I wasn't totally honest with my family about the reason I didn't date", she took another calming breath and closed her eyes briefly. "You know that my father was not exactly a great person." 

"You could say that", he mumbled with a bit of anger behind his words.

"But on top of that, he was also very opinionated and made it clear to me as I was growing up that there are some things that are just plain wrong in his eyes." 

Jay was still confused as to where all this was going, but he let her continue. 

"You also know that I changed majors in college from law to criminal justice and later joined the academy."

"Yeah, you said it was what your dad wanted and not you, so you switched."

Hailey nodded slowly. 

"Yes that is true, but that wasn't the only reason I changed majors."

She took another deep death, and Jay noticed her eyes began to water, but it was as if she refused to let any tears fall.

"When I was a sophomore in college, a little bit before spring break, I met someone. For the first time, I felt what my friends felt when they talked about their crushes. I felt butterflies in my stomach and couldn't stop thinking about them."

She has this far-off look in her eyes that slowly turns sad again as she continues, "until I got my heartbroken and it messed me up pretty bad. So I changed majors to get a fresh start and pretended that relationship never happened."

"Did he… did he do something to hurt you?"

"No, no, no, nothing like that. Well, not physically anyway."

Jay frowned at that, but she gave him a strange look so he let her continue without comment. She finally stops moving and comes to sit down next to him. She holds out her empty hand and takes one of his. She moves his hand so that his hand is out flat, palm up, and she places the object into his outstretched hand.

He glances down at what she's placed in his hand as she goes quiet again and her hands go back to the ends of her hair. The object is a very small rock painted to look like a rainbow. The lines are very sharp and it has a glossy finish to it. Jay turns it around in his hands and runs his thumb over the smooth finish. If he thought it was small before in her hands, it's even tinier in his. 

"I'm sorry Hailey, but I'm not exactly following here, you've gotta give me something", he says, still gentle and trying to sound encouraging.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Then without opening them she says, "when I told you the story, I never said it was a guy".

She doesn't open her eyes and Jay tries to let her words sink in. But before they can, he says something so stupid, that he hates himself for it immediately.

"Why wouldn't it be a guy?"

And it's almost like that was Hailey's breaking point. Her tears begin to flow freely and she opens her eyes just a little bit. Jay knows what he just did and how ignorant he sounds, but his mouth moved faster than his brain. She shrinks away from him and appears to turn in on herself.

"It wouldn't be a guy because I don't only like guys. I like men, and I like women"

Jay looks at her for a second, debating whether or not physical contact would help or hurt the situation. Finally, he decides that he can't just sit there anymore and he engulfs her in a hug. She resits initially and then it seems as if she just gives up. She is full-blown crying now and he is whispering sweet nothings to her in between placing kisses in her hair like he knows she loves. They sit there like that for a long time. Eventually, her crying slows down, but he doesn't release his hold on her. 

"Do you hate me?" She asks between sniffles 

"What? Hailey, why on earth would I hate you?" 

She sniffles again and pulls apart just enough to rub at her watery eyes. 

"Because everyone I've ever told has hated me", and then she's crying again, but much quieter this time.

"Hailey, I could never hate you, especially for who you love." 

"But, but..."

"No buts Hailey! Listen to me, there is nothing, and has never been anything wrong with you. Ever. Do you understand that? You are one of the greatest people I have ever known and my life is immeasurably better because you're in it. Nothing, and I mean _nothing_ is ever going to change how I feel about you. I love you, Hailey."

"What?" She pulls apart completely at that. "What do you mean?"

Jay chuckles warmly, "I mean I love you, you dummy, like full-on love, in that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of love."

Hailey finally laughs at that, "Did you just quote an Olsen movie at me?" She starts to giggle and he remembers how much he loves that sound. 

"Hey, it's not my fault that it's a great movie!"

Hailey snorts at that and seems like she's finally calmed down a bit.

"Are you sure you don't h-"

"Hailey", he gives her a look, "I promise you, I don't hate you, not even a little bit. Not when you steal my pens, or kick me under the desk or make fun of the movies I watch."

He pokes at her jokingly as he says the last part and she giggles again. "Can I ask you a question though?" She nods slowly and turns to face him better. "Why do you think I would hate you?" 

She sighs and holds out her hand and he places the rock in one and holds the other. 

"When I was growing up my father would always drop little hints that he was homophobic, and I remember there was one time in high school when we were in the car on the way to some practice and the song "Same Love" came on", Jay nods, letting her know he remembers the song, before letting her continue, "and out of nowhere he starts yelling at me about the bible and how it says that same-sex marriage is wrong and he starts yelling about how I better not ever think that it's ok", she's crying again now, but it's more angry than sad, "and I was still trying to figure everything out and that just made me hate myself even more, and I pushed it down and pretended I was straight." She sniffles and he starts rubbing her hand with his thumb as she rubs the rock with hers. "Then when I met that girl in college, it was my first relationship in general, let alone with another woman. We fooled around a little bit and then after a few weeks, I told her I had real feelings for her, I didn't even say love. But she freaked out, and started calling me slurs and telling me that I was going to hell and that all of the messing around we did meant nothing." She stopped crying. Her eyes were still watering, but she stopped sniffling. "After that, I decided if I ever tried to pursue a relationship with another woman, then I definitely would be going to hell. So I pretended it never happened. I joined the academy and tried to forget all about it. And then I met Garrett and thought it was just some experimentation I'd had in college, ya know? But I never truly could shove it all down and over the years since then, eventually, I sort of accepted myself more and realized I was bi. I still hadn't told anyone until tonight", she smiles sheepishly at him.

"Why did you decide to tell me?" 

"Because I love you too jay." She says as a smile overtakes her face and she meets his eyes for real this time. "And I didn't know how to tell you that without showing you all of me."

He hugs her again and kisses her head. 

"That rock I showed you? I painted that my sophomore year with all of the other rocks I told you about. I painted it in secret when she and I were still fooling around. I was going to show it to her and tell her I loved her, but I never got the chance." She sniffles a little bit but doesn't cry. "I kept it in the bottom of my sock drawer since then. Hoping in the back of my mind that one day I'd find someone to show it to that would fully accept me." She smiles softly and sets it on the coffee table in front of them. "I know it sounds stupid." She rolls her eyes and looks away from him.

He gently takes her chin and moves her face back towards him. 

"Hailey, it's not stupid, and I’m glad you showed it to me. And I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me this, all of this." Jay hugs her again, a quick squeeze. 

He brushes past her quickly to grab the remote and then puts on a recorded Philadelphia Flyers game. Jay knows she roots for the Blackhawks, but that she can't help watching the flyers just to see Gritty. She instantly smiles as she sees the giant orange creature and lets out a belly laugh. 

"Really jay? I cry on your shoulder for hours and your response is to show me my favorite orange monster?" 

"I know he makes you smile and I think you deserve a good laugh after all that crying don't ya think?" He squeezes her again in a half hug and then surprises her by lifting her slightly as he lays down, pulling her on top of him.

"You know we'll always be good right Hails?" He asks as he kisses her head once again. 

"Yeah, I guess I do, I was just scared ya know? How would I have been able to keep going without my best friend if you had reacted poorly?" He shrugs in understanding and her body moves with him.

"I get that. I'm sorry that you didn't feel safe enough to tell me before now" he frowns slightly and starts to play with her hair, twirling it around his fingers.

"It's ok Jay, there's no way you could've known, I did everything I could to make sure you didn't. And for the record, you still make me feel safer than I've ever felt before. I just had to tell you at my own pace."

He watches as she closes her eyes and snuggles closer into his chest. He carefully mutes the tv without disturbing her too much and then closes his eyes too. 

"I love you, Hails."

"That over the fence kind of stuff?"

"That world series kind of love."


End file.
